Thrice Did The Siren Sing

BRAVE

Take all the essential elements of a Disney film, boil them down to their most basic, boring, dull, then string them along in predictable fashion.

At least Pixar still does animation well.

The Pixar that I first liked was a much subtler beast. The stories were private ones, shared secrets between friends. Cute little oddball ones about talking toys and lost fish. Now Pixar feels like a lumbering giant. Blind. Striking at the most obvious nerves of sentimental connection. They have removed themselves from my company and have taken it upon themselves to lecture me. About all sorts of shit I already know. That’s what makes their current work so galling. Such a betrayal.

You’ve changed Pixar. And I don’t like it.

EXPENDABLES

What the fuck was that? Sly? You’re my boy. I have your back. All these young bloods talk shit about your action movies. Saying how they’re dumb, with bad stunts, and throw away stories.

You just proved right every bad thing ever said about you. Hey though, nice work with all those blood gags. That’s the nicest thing I can say about Expendables 2.

I just… Why? Why did you do that? That film showed a gross lack of respect for yourself, the work you do, the stellar fucking dudes you had in that travesty, and me. But don’t worry about me. I’m embarrassed for you guys.

You don’t have to say “sorry”. Just tell me you won’t ever do that again.

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN

We must weep! Out there, someone had a great idea for a movie. They must have gotten too excited about their idea because they told. Told the wrong person. That person, that twat, hollowed out that idea, ruined it. And we got Snow White And The Huntsman. This being the third film of the day, I started to wonder…

Remember when dialogue in movies wasn’t throw away? When you’d remember it?

Remember when the action in movies was exciting? And you’d always imagine yourself doing it like they did?

Remember when the characters in movies were likeable? People you’d love to know more about?

Remember when movies were good?