Monday, April 9, 2012

Ain't No Stoppin' The Cap'n

This Avengers vs X-Men is nonsense. Any single member of the Avengers can beat every X-Man. Captain America especially.

First, All the X-Kids? I throw my shield, bounce it off all their heads and turn 'em all into Super Powered Vegetables.

vs Cyclops? Please, you know what counters eye-lasers? A shield. Oh, you been fighting giant robots since you were a kid? I've been stomping faceless nazi ass since before you're mother had tits. DONE. Who else ya got?

vs Colossus? Ok, you do the steel thing but you still can't fight. I'ma drop your ass in the ocean, see that fat ass sink. When you power down and come up to catch your breath, all your gonna catch is a shield to the dome, NIGHT NIGHT!

vs Kitty Pride (Shadow Cat)? You can't even hit anybody!? I'll tell you what, I'll do you last so you can see all your friends get the shit kicked out of them.

vs Beast? Be smart here. Just lay down. There ya go. Sleepy time.

vs Nightcrawler? I'm a world class tactician! You do three BAMF Bullshits, I'll get your pattern, you'll be sucking my fist. Next!

vs Namor? Necksnap.

vs Magneto? Here, hold my shield. Oh you can stop that? How about my leather boots and gloves? No? Get your ass beat old man.

vs Storm? Ohhhhh! Some rain!? How scary. Rain, sleet, or snow this train is still pulling into station! Train being my fist. Station, your face.

vs Emma Frost? Go 'head, invade my mind. Psychic me will tear your up just as bad as physical me. And I'll grind your diamonds up with my teeth.

vs Psylocke? Glowly blades? Get serious. (Psylocke knows in her heart that the Captain is right. She sets off right then to train with all the masters of the universe. She dies never becoming a worthy opponent.)

vs Xavier? (Xavier psychically pleads with the Captain to stop his unstoppable assault) Hey chief, invasion of my mind is tantamount to invasion of America. Yeah, you just declared war on the US. (Cap flips Xavier's chair and makes ready to stomp out all Xavier's silly ideas, but can't bring himself to wail on a cripple who's crying)

vs Gambit? (Normally, Cap is a good sport and let's the X-Dorks at least use their powers. But such is his disgust with Gambit that the face he makes to express that disgust turns the Great Plains brown. Without allowing the Southern Slob a single twitch of his body, Cap grabs Gambit by his greasy hair, hurls him into the ground, whereupon Cap proceeds to pulp and liquefy his body. Afterword, Cap takes Gambit's signiture pole and javelins it into the sun. Cap is again the good sport and allows the other mutants a small reprieve while he washes his hands in one of the great lakes of upstate New York. The lake is transformed into the most polluted body of water on the planet.)

vs Iceman? (Cap takes a full force ice blast to his chest. No effect. Cap gathers up some snow and ice, chucks it at Iceman at barely under super-sonic speed, turning to find his next match before Drake hits the ground.)

vs Shadow Cat? (Cap stares her dead in the eyes) The second you come out of this phasy bullshit, I will be there, and I will rain down more pain than all the mutants in all the alternate realities, compounded by any and all Age of Apocalypses, have ever felt. Just know that. (Kitty Pride never again becomes corporal and dies of starvation)

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