Not
even a comic book movie has any right to be as dumb as Guardians is. Had I watched the movie from Zoe Saldana’s lap I’d
still complain about it. Yet, that doesn’t matter! The Marvel Fanatics have
already, at 5pm Friday, made this some record breaking opening weekend. They
don’t read reviews. The people who call this a Star Wars knock-off aren’t going
to see it and aren’t reading reviews. For posterity?
Guardians is meant to expand the Marvel
Universe. It seems all Marvel movies do anymore is expand. Setup a new “Phase”
or character. Credit to those running the studio for seeing, correctly, it doesn’t
matter what the plot is. Avengers
featured ramping aliens coming through a portal and a nuke nearly going off
over New York City. It was monstrously cliché. It was called the greatest
superhero movie ever made.
The
Guardians juggle a gem of cosmic power, at first for money then because it’s
real strong. No, there isn’t anything more to explain than that. No, it’s not
symbolic in any way. It’s purple. A big purple guy wants the purple gem so he
sends this other, smaller but still pretty large, blue guy to retrieve it. The over
anxious Marvel nerd, “talking” in a voice to fill the theater, can tell you why
the blue guy is called Ronan the Accuser. Or what the hell a Kree is. But I
will save you time and tell you it doesn’t matter.
Another
keen insight on display here is that Villains Don’t Need To Have Any Character.
Or development. They just need a big, monolithic, spaceship. Made of black stone.
Thanos sits on a throne in a field of rocks! Subtle. Our Ronan kills someone
within seconds of being introduced. That particular “subplot” is done and over
right there. I understand these films are aimed to include children, but as a
youngin’, I was quick to understand the dark figure in the dark room wearing
dark makeup attended to by darkly robed minions, spouting some nonsense about
“wrongs done” to no one, was meant to be the foil. The hammer is an apt choice
for him.
The
most starling moments of the film were when it ceased to represent any sort of
fictional world. I didn’t see aliens, just people in full body paint. Dressed
in some stupid costume. And everyone making a complete ass of themselves.
Truthfully, I looked away during these moments of intense shame to spare the
actor. It was embarrassing for me to be in the theater. To see a movie fall
apart like that… Not even the worst
of the worst summer blockbuster films have imploded like that. To be dumb not
in the service of anything greater. But just to be dumb.
The action
sequences were plain, sometimes seeming to be unrehearsed. It was odd, too, to
see how little the environment was integrated into the pieces. Everything felt
like it was shot in a green room. Just a big, empty, green room. There’s no
weight to anything. No imagination given to any sequence. I wouldn’t be
surprised if any particular shot was reskinned with X-Wings or whatever the
hell else Disney wanted. I could see anyone doing everything the Guardians do.
I’m
sure Guardians will be praised and
remembered for its humor. This must have been the Funny Committee’s first foray
into comedy. The approach is to bookend everything. Throw out a million quips
or, if possible, have someone dance. A dumb slapstick moment (see any recent
animated feature for examples) followed by a dry observational remark. Maybe
two! I found having a ridiculous scene summarized immediately after it occurred
with, max, five words, aggravating. The audience I saw it with ate everything
up. Barely a flat joke. Chris Pratt did get me a few times despite the low
ambition of each bit. If you find teenage boys hilarious, this movie will kill
it for you.
I’m trying to understand the popular adjectives slapped on
this travesty. “Weird”, “charming”, “unique”. If this is the first
science-fiction movie you’ve ever seen, sure! Talking trees are going to blow
your mind! Everything felt like a pulpy knock-off to me. It wanted to be B
movie but conscious of the fact. It felt like a bastardization of a really
great comic book. A 93% on Rotten Tomatoes? As a dumb summer action movie I’d
rate Guardians Disappointing. As
space-opera I’d call it Abysmal. This is pure Paint by Numbers, Studio drivel.
Congratulations on your bajillion dollars.
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